Living A Lie
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This is me. Nobody knows me. Everyone would like to know me. But once anyone does get to know me, they decide they don't wanna know me anymore.
I know I'm not alone. But the in end, I am forced to feel that way.
Not many people know much about me; and for good reason.
I'm not a bad person. I'm pretty normal in fact. There is just one aspect of my life that is unacceptably abnormal.
I'll share a little bit about me, to help you better understand.
I work in a supermarket. I interact mostly with guys because I am the only girl in the department. My work involves wearing a uniform that is quite manly. It makes me look like a have no hips, or boobs and I have to tie my hair back. This year alone, I have been mistaken 5 times as a boy at work. Imagine what that does to the already-lacking self-esteem...
My friends (the few I do have), are either much younger than me, or much older than me. The younger ones are friends with me because they know nothing of the real me, and the older ones are friends with me because they know too much of the real me.
A few days ago, a friend at work dared me to give my number to a guy who worked in a store next door to my work, that I had a little bit of a crush on. I refused at first, but then decided to bite the bullet and do something. I decided to leave my number on his car, and sure enough he text me when he finished work. When he finally found out who I was, his attitude changed and he decided to use the 'sorry, I'm gay' line. Well, ya know, that hurt a little bit. I coulda said, "oh, but it's okay, most people mistaken me for a guy, so all is good..." but I let it go... well, kinda.
That was the first time in 5 years that I had let myself go unguarded. Big mistake, I must say. I tend to read people wrong - what can I say, it's a gift - LOL.
That day, I decided to get all the rejection out of the way at once. I told a guy at work that I fancied him a little bit, and got rejected, which I expected - obviously.
I am currently in a relationship - this is true. The day that I told two guys my age that I liked them, was a day that I just wanted to feel normal. I got the feeling of rejection instead of normality, but chit happens.
The relationship I am currently in, is the unacceptably abnormal thing in my life. The relationship before this one, was much the same. We both love each other very much, and are hated because of it.
Today, as I write this, it is his birthday. No body really knows much about our relationship... parts of his family know, none of mine do. Once again, for good reason.
I never go looking for understanding in this matter, because it is not there to be found - and I know this with great certainty.
What I would like to point out though, is, that know matter who we are, we all need to feel accepted on some level. We also need to feel loved and cared for. Family will always love you, even if they try to make you believe that they don't. Friends have love for you that comes with conditions. My friends would not be my friends if they knew me for me. This disappoints and upsets me because I can not share anything I feel with them, and I can not let them in.
The world we live in, hates difference. There is no doubt about that. Sure, we can go into all the exceptions to the rule, but in the end, all we wanna be, is that exception.
Love me because I'm white. Love me because I'm female. Love me because I'm tall. Love me because I'm athletic. Love me because I'm funny. Hate me because I love someone that everyone strongly believes I shouldn't. There is fairness in there... somewhere... right? Am I just looking in the wrong places? He makes me happy. It's the rest of the world that doesn't.
Happy Birthday Richard.
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JL, I'm not your fan cause I think you're some looney who writes good hubs. You express some of the sh!t we all go through so well, you're wiser than you know. Rejection happens, and it's bad cause sometimes you give up trying temporarily because of it. But harder than that is the lack of support of family, even if it's just a relationship that you just want to "give a go" cause you never had someone tell you they love you and really care about you that way before or in a really long time. I've been there - and they were all right in the end - but it just SUCKED.
In my hometown my family has a pretty solid not so upstanding reputation--lol. I have people who never met me, who when they hear my name, think they know me. Its hilarious and pathetic all the same.
...It would appear* that this person is just a kid - so - LIGHTEN UP peeps! ;}
sheesh.....at her apparant age, I wouldn't have even known how to use a computer let alone write about how I *feel*.
WHY are you jumping all over her? Did she write much after this? Not really in 2 entire years.
I wouldn't have either.
Am I MISSING something here - having stumbled into this hub...?
Very interesting hub! Just do your thing, the heck with everybody else...Live for the day!
I read your hub and found quite alot of myself in there no one here knows the true me and I am afraid that if I ever showed someone the me I used to be they would run for the hills screaming in torment. I hate rejection too, so I guess that is why I am so guarded. At any rate the one thing I do know is that life is too short to live your life to please other people. So at some point in time I finally chose to bite the bullet and live my life. The person I became involved with is ten years my junior. I knew that everyone was going to have a real hard time with our age difference especially since I am older than he. For years, I had lived my life to please everyone else and quite frankly I just felt like I didn't fit in. So if people had to be uncomfortable for me to have five minutes of happiness than so be it. My boyfriend and I have been together for going on three years now and both of our family's have gotten attached to us and have all but forgotten our age difference. So while it is true that some of our friends still may find fault with it for one reason or another our family has remained by our side that was not to say that they weren't dazed and shocked for a few moments but they eventually came out of the shock and we are a better family for having been through it. That is how I figured out who really loved and cared about us and who didn't. Those people who may have initially been shocked but eventually wound up supporting us are the one's that I hold close and as for the others, all I can really say is they have a right to their opinion but don't have a right to sit in judgment of anyone.
So bite the bullet and be with who you love. People who care about you will eventually come around. There is a philosophy that really holds true when you think about it. "There is a reason why some people are in your past and that is because they weren't strong enough to stay with you travel to your present."
savanna101 2 years ago
I know what you are talking about. ever one thanks they know me but they dont, my friend thank i am crazy, but i am really not so i thank you are cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!